Needless to say, the sustained strong feeling come into play when you judge someone close to you as being a not so good Character.
We all feel repulsed when we think someone near to us is a "bad character" or "Characterless person" (whatever that means!). Why is it so? We don't feel repulsed with people when they make mistakes, lose a limb or meet with a misfortune, why this strong feeling once we have judged the person to have scarred our impression of what, in our view, was the “Character” attributed to the person.
So here is a theory that might explain it a bit, hopefully!
As we grow and mature we are exposed to so called "Values", these are basically characteristics which are prevalent/aspired/desired at our homes, in our cultures and so on. Typical examples are: frugality, discipline, honesty, kindness, empathy and so on. We are consciously or unconsciously driven/encouraged to choose a set of characteristics (let's say – “conscientious phenotype” as opposed to genetic phenotype or a trait determined by our dominant genetic makeup) that practically and eventually define us "uniquely me". It defines us based on the set of Characteristics that we prioritize as valuable. So we are "kind, disciplined, honest, wicked, mean.." whatever set of values (including the typical "Middle Class Values") we prioritize for ourselves as more valuable than others.
We continuously seek to live the “Value System” that we have embraced and that "living" happens in two broad spaces - US and not-US! (A and A compliment, to use some constructs from the Mathematics). All the characteristics need to translate into “application” by way of action/thought in realms across self and not self. We “ourselves” are layered and multidimensional, so we can operate a “physical entities”, “Intellectual stalwarts” or a “bundle of emotions” realms. There is a similar emergence of “beings” that is an outcome of our engagement with our “not Me” environment. “ A prodigal son”, “A caring husband”, “A wicked mean Mother F**er” are all emergent set of characteristics we demonstrate in relation with not-Me/Environment and at different times.
The most important factor is the application/demonstration of living the characteristics is the "Consistency". The importance of this cannot be overstated. Take an example of “Kindness” as a value. A person cannot be kind to his kids and unkind to innocent animals of other species. A person cannot be unkind physically and kind emotionally. A person cannot be kind in the mornings and unkind in the evenings! A person cannot beat his partner because he loves her!
The consistent demonstration and application of “living the value system” is critical for the person as well as the environment the person operates in and influences as well. A person not behaving in accordance with her Value System is already broken and fragmented. The person lacks, what we call – “Integrity”. The person is not “integral”, meaning that the person has multiple facets (or same facets inconsistent in time) that are in conflict with each other. We are not getting onto the consonance or dissonance of Values e.g. one cannot prioritize “Courage” with “meekness”. However, that is a different theme of discussion – what makes an “Integral wholesome being”. Without going into reasons (low self esteem, evolving, external influences, lack of introspection, self awareness and so on), a broken, fragmented person is a threat to herself and surprisingly it extends to the society in a unique manner.
In any relationship, we choose people based on our understanding of the other person as an “Integral being”. Even in very flimsy relationships such as “activity friends” we share/admire certain characteristics in others that bring us together. For more sustained and deeper interactions we need to “trust”. The trust is not absolute and not even necessary to be based on a shared value system. However, the trust has to be based on the fundamental assumption of the other person being “Integral”. So, there is no mutual trust if there is no individual Integrity.
The trust is vital for us as human beings, because it makes other people, their behaviour, actions predictable to us and that assures our own survival! To be able to trust is our own selfish need for our survival. This is why we are so sensitive when our trust in someone is violated. This trust binds police to criminals, friends with each other, couples with each other and members of families together. We are in a predictable environment and can operate with assurance of knowledge.
Now, if you are with me so far, you would see that when a person behaves in a manner that breaks their “Integrity” (as perceived by us). We know that the person can no longer be trusted, as the person can behave differently from what we thought she would (because we knew her value system, even if not shared). So teenage girl sis-romance evaporates the moment the bubbly girl discovers her nerdy friend parties with other friends! The “integrity” of the nerdy girl is broken in the eyes of the bubbly girl, trust broken and so does the relationship.
So, looping back to “loss of Character”, the repulsion that we feel is our own mind red-flagging a person no longer worthy of trust, because the person has demonstrated a behaviour that violates the “Integrity” of the person in our eyes.
We thought/assumed that the person lived by a certain set of values (which may or may not be ours – but she lived it consistently) and can be trusted to behave in a certain manner. When that predictability is gone, our trust is gone and our own feeling of safety and survival is gone, because you never trust a person who has lost Integrity or never discovered it in the first place! This is what makes us sick to the core – “Aap Characterless ho” or “You have lost Character” as we use in our parts of the world is pretty apt.
